Nothing goes as planned . Everything will break

People say goodbye, in their own special way

All that you rely on And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning but find you in the day

Oh you’re in my veins And I cannot get you out

Oh you’re all I taste At night inside of my mouth

Oh you run away Because I am not what you found

Oh you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out

Everything will change Nothing stays the same

And everybody hears perfect oh but everyone’s to Blame

All that you rely on And all that you can save

Will leave you in the morning and find you in the day

Oh you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out

Oh you’re all I taste at night inside of my mouth

Oh you ran away because I am not what you found

Oh you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out

No I cannot get you out

Everything is dark it’s more than you can take

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining shining down on your face

Your face oh your in my veins and I cannot get you out

Oh you’re all I taste at night inside my mouth

Oh you run away because I am not what you found

Oh you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out no I cannot get you out no I could never get you out

I finally had to erase you from my life. I no longer listen to your voice on saved messages, as I’ve had to delete them. I no longer scroll through old text messages, as I’ve deleted them as well. I’ve deleted your contact profile and all information of you. I do not avoid your areas due to fear of contact with you. I live! I will continue to live! I do not live my life around the fear of running into you. I live! I cut people off who mentioned your name as I no longer want to hear of your “fun life” without me! I live! I found I’m vibrant. I’ve found I’m a storm of life that people enjoy weathering. I found I am worthy! I’m worthy of so much. I’m worthy of respect. Kindness. Understanding. Compassion. Friendship. Love. I am likable! I am lovable! I never needed someone I just wanted someone. That someone was you. I am finally OK to the fact that I was not your “someone “.

The holidays are here and while this is not the happiness I thought or dreamed of; I am and will find my happiness and I pray you find yours. I am understanding of your choices. Your choice to leave me. Your choice not to come after me. Even after all the times I came after you. I am compassionate of your choice to be who you always wanted to be without me. I am forgiving of your abandonment of me. I cannot delete the picture, Memories or impressions that remain. I can only cherish them with sweet debilitating pain. But I will live! I pray and live each day believing all that I hear. That you are happy. That you are finally living as you want to. That you are having all the fun you finally longed for. My gift to you is letting you know all this out of my undying love for you. I wish you peace as I am searching for mine again. I pray for you love, as my love is forever with you. I dream of your fantasy as you were mine. 

Happy Holiday’s Deleted Love!

I wake with pools of tears soaking my pillow every night 

you haunt my nights!

I had a dream that you were under our tree with the fuzzy trout. 

And the time you left me you said you taught him how to speak. 

You told me you were happy since you left. 

Yet you still love me. 

The trout wanted to take me to Williamsburg our favorite place. 

Yet you adore me. 

You’re sorry you just had to leave me. 

And the trout wants to see me. 

The trout is worried about me. 

You’re happy and free!

I have been blamed for my social media posts and pictures for the failure of a love. I have analyzed this, I asked professionals, and others for their opinions. What I have been told is I write well, with passion, and without naming names. I have further been supported by social media followers and told I was strong, honest, ethical and honorable! Only one! Only one person attackingly condemned my rolls on social media. Part because that person knew I was telling the truth and calling out pure evil. Part because that person was not being honest. Honest with me and them selves. And part because they were cowardly looking for an out!

See when a person has a history of chasing after, begging for, and ultimately giving all of them self to two prior relationships that were of their own admission, horrible; why throw solid full on good love away? Not once. Not twice or three times, but many times over the course of your knowledge of them. That is a person who holds their own agenda. That is a person who forever and always was looking for that escape route. You wonder why a person would do that to another? To punish that loving person for all the Bad ever done to them. For their own agenda of a personal revenge on an innocent person.

They revel in the fact such a loving person after being dumped and broken would Chase, beg, and give all of themselves to the punisher. They are comforted in the predictability of the loving one to only last days before the pain is greater than an angel falling from the grace of God. They enjoyed the desperate conduct of the loving one to prove their worthiness to the punisher. It is only when the punisher over plays the same hand that the loving one realizes the agenda. All while the loving one waits in pain the punisher ignores the catastrophe they created. They no longer acknowledge the existence of the loving one. They forced the loving one to mold and create their own closure. The punisher does not reach out to the loving one. They do not attempt to reconcile, console, are close the deep gashing wound they made. They do not do anything. They play games with the enemies that created the issues which is the worst. It is easy for them to make promises as they know they will never have to keep them.

People like that will string you along until one day you realize you’ve lost years of your own life.

So is social media to blame? For some I’m sure it could be! Do I think all social media is to blame? Definitely not! I see it as a tool to be used as a weapon on many levels but, if social media is used with a foundation of love, honesty, ethics, and morality. If social media is used with these and the desire to improve the world, others, and society. Then it is the reader and their own interpretation that is to blame. And maybe it is the readers own guilt of conscious for participating in actions that are to blame. So careful with social media. Not everybody reads what you read, comprehend on the same wavelength as you would, or hold the same values as you.

So I will continue to write. Just as I was when I first met everyone I’ve ever known. I will continue to share my life experiences. In order to possibly help another. And I will continue to write as the conscience to those lacking a conscience. This is how I heal to become whole once more! Healing is not revenge. Healing is the first step to being able to forgive; even if it’s to forgive the unforgivable! So I will continue to write, post, and create. I will continue …

Have you ever kept a diary, a journal, or notes about events happening in your life? I’m sure most of us have. I know I have. I came across one such  Journal most recently. It astonishes me how insightful it was even so many years ago.

I was stricken by an entry dating in 2009, now 7 years ago. It is one that speaks of my divorce which at the date of the entry had been over 5 years and it speaks of of the relationship I was in at the time with a  man who has sense destroyed my life. I speak this because as I was reading the entry there were so many insights that I should have paid attention to and ignored. Maybe we all do this. Maybe we all take our life and the people in it with justifications and explanations to satisfy our reasons for being in the relationship or staying in the relationship for accepting the relationship or whatever other reasons we have in our head.

I was struck by the entry and it’s prophetic tongue as I read my descriptions of life during that time. Here are my observations of  the man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me. He has depression,  angry emotions, bordering on unmotivated, and beaten down emotionally. I had even noted that he had just given up though he denied all of these characteristics when stated out loud though I honestly loved him! I will explain more of the entry as follows: ” Honestly I love him. Although, I cannot for the life of me tell you why. We have incredible sex, most sessions, but these internal feelings are much more than that. It is like I know that deep inside his soul he is a kind, gentle, loving man. He just doesn’t show it often! I know we could never live together. We are too different in how we live. Besides, being divorced these past several years; and having to live with my  family to be with my daughter, has made me desire to live alone with my daughter. He expects too much of me. He thinks I can just bounce back when I can’t. I cannot say one word to him about his children for fear of an attack on me and my daughter verbally. He will not hear what is really happening until or unless it’s the police that tells him. Which has happened with two of his three children. I stated time and again that time will prove me right and time and again time has always proven  me right.”

I find this uncannily prophetic on how my life has played out over the last seven years since that was written. All of my predictions in my journal came true. Not just in regards to my ex-husband but also in regards to this one love relationship I thought I had.

I find it concerning that may be just maybe love really is blind! Meaning it blinds us to the pain that we are enduring while in the honeymoon of blooming love. It blinds us to the torture of remaining in such a love. And it shelters us from seeing the reality of what is to come.

See  my take from this is, with older years and more experienced maybe it is not love we should be seeking but mutual respect, understanding,  and kindness.  For in seeking those attributes to start with you will find someone who not only may love you but will also like you through all of the torturous trials that life throws at us along our journey.

I have learned there is a huge difference between love and liking! You can profess to love someone yet not like them at all. And you can like someone in the same manner and yet not love who they are. They are two separate feelings. They are two separate entities. They stand alone. And seldom do they work in concert with one another.

Think about it for a second. Have you ever come across someone that you like I mean you really like? But you didn’t necessarily love! And Have You Ever Loved Someone sincerely love someone,  but didn’t  like the essence of who they really were? I know it seems like such contradictory statements! Logic dictates you can’t love something if you don’t like it. But no one ever said that human emotions, the human heart, and the human soul wherever logical.

I fear that the love that I lost was just that! He professed a love of me without ever having so much of a “like” for  who I was, am, or could be. I think I loved him more than he loved me. I know I liked him more than he liked me. Which reflected in a much higher level of respect for him than what he exhibited towards me. Which in the end made it easy for him to reject me and never once look back, regret, or miss the “Us” I fought so many years for.  I , the woman, fought, begged, pleaded,chased,and, forced our love for years. It wasn’t until now that I finally realized how relieved he must feel knowing I will never be in his life again. 

It is that understanding and acceptance that has allowed me to realize this was why he never chased me, apologized to me, or  worked to get me back. He never wanted me in the first place! 

Husband,children , friends 

Still lonliness. 

Family, neighbors , community

Still lonliness.

Needing me, wanting me, needing me, always needing me. …

Still lonliness. 

A crowded parade, a mall with holiday Shoppers, a children’s Christmas Pageant.

Still loneliness.

Marriage, Partnerships, team players

Still loneliness.

Vacant smile, Hollow laugh, sincere advice, tiny conversation

Still loneliness.

Is death lonely too as they say? Or is living the only loneliness?

Searching. ….  Still Lonliness ! 

Poem by Katy Shepard 

What does it take to have and to hold a successful relationship today? Is it honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, love, compassion, or passion? I can tell you from experience these qualities don’t matter. They still have the ability to crumble and abandon your heart and soul. Maybe, it is that willingness to conform, mutate, change by one or the other. No that doesn’t work either! Again the allowance of loss is high. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above plus the addition of stubbornness, never giving up, forever believing. That isn’t the answer either. You see I know this to be fact because time and time again I have been loyal, honest, faithful, loving, compassionate, passionate, willing to change, forever believing, only to be left wasted used, worn, torn, and destroyed! More than once over more years Lost have I put all my love and all that I have into a person who couldn’t, wouldn’t and refuse to give even a half of a percent back to me that I gave to them. If they had been that person I believed them to be then the devastation of heartbreak would have never happened in the first place. I’m tired of the personal agendas of others. That is Poison to intimacy. I’m tired of the narcissism of society today. It is the serial killer to interpersonal relationships. The secret rules that are not shared is the final nail in the coffin of love.

Relationships are partnerships. One that should be unbreakable. They should be forged out of trust, love, and respect. These quality should be nurtured and honored. Love should NEVER be easy to let go of; it should be chased and begged for. I have even done the things as well. However, I have found that my choices were poor and undeserving of such conduct. However, I still believe in the statement.  I just also believe that BOTH participated not just ONE should commit to such conduct together. When one person is always working for, chasing after, begging for and longing for the relationship then that is no relationship at all. That is not love. However, that is today’s society of narcissistic socialization which they have labeled as a relationship. Unfortunately, some of the older generation has picked up what the younger generation has been preaching and teaching. Leaving some of us in the older generation who still believe in the old ways of relationships in the dark ages of relationships.

I long for what once was. I pray our society sees what it does wrong in our personal relationship and changes it for the better. I hope for the next generation for my time has passed for true love to exist for me. I believe I may have had him once but that was a lifetime of dreams ago.

You always told me that you would never leave me! You forever told me I was your one and only. I have since learned those were all lies!

I was only good enough to keep around as long as I played by your rules. The problem with that is you never shared your rules. You told me that I was your one and only but  you were never willing to make it permanent. The only thing you did make permanent were the condemnation, the scars, and the pain from Loving You!

You always said that you judged me based off of me and only me alone. I have since learned that’s not true either! You judge me based off of your other relationships. You condemned me based off of the actions that they did to you. You never once saw me for who I was and what I did for you. I was only good enough to punish! You punished me for the deceptive actions of those that came before me. You punished me for the pain that those who came before me cause you. And you punished me and condemned me out of hand for all of the demons that you held so closely in your heart!
You took a kind heart and a gentle soul and crushed them through the years. My time with you has forever left me altered. I will never be the same and I never could be all because of you. I will never trust again. I could never love again as strongly as I love you. I can never protect again as fiercely as I protected you. For that I condemn you! I do this because that was not what you deserve. You never earned it. That was not your right to manipulate and steal. The pain I Endure and the tears that I shed we’re never meant to happen but they did.

All of this is your fault! You can spend the rest of your days knowing how you single-handedly destroyed a Sweet Soul! That is your legacy! That is your Triumph! That is your reward!

I would have never in a million years guess that you would have  been the one to have beaten and battered my oh so bruised heart but you did. And that will be something you will have to live with for the rest of your days. Never once would I have intentionally done something so cruel to you but with forethought and intent you set out to do that to me.

So your legacy oh dear one is that your cruelty will live on. The ice cold heart you created will share its cruelty to others. The Frozen emotions you have birthed will be your lasting Legacy long after you are gone . You always said say something nice about me when I’m gone .  Well now  those words  are forever buried  with a beaten battered heart !  

The worst outcome of the election is that we have each been reduced to a series of broad labels that no longer reflect who we are. Mexican. White. Republican. Immigrant. Muslim. We may try to look at people as “labels” but we’ll never truly see them because THEY do not look at their own lives & families as labels. If, in the misery of this morning’s election hangover, we choose to continue to refer to Trump supporters as one collective “Them” I think that is as offensive as anything else I’ve heard in this election cycle and as ungracious as anything we feared from Trump supporters in the defeat we assumed would be theirs. Per a comment made in the media…..

So let me try to explain the labels ………I’m am soooo OVER the analysis of this election! One news source blames Democrats for not voting, holding less education, and economically inferior. Another blames white women and men stating basically the same thing minus the not voting aspect. If statistics is what they are going to spout then use the real statistics! Overwhelmingly, Democrats DID NOT turn out and vote as they did TWICE for Obama! Hence NO Hillary! Furthermore, overwhelmingly Republicans, whom have largely been vilified and degraded for the better part of 8 years now; DID turn out and vote! Hence Trump as President! Some news sources even go as far as to send out blanket statements such as the Republican votes seen this election for Trump are from White men, middle TO lower economic classification, NO college education, and White women who also have NO college education, middle to lower economic classification, and stay at home mothers/wives! OK! So IF this opinion is true? How come most of whom I’ve talked to who voted for Trump are mixed races, mixed genders, most hold jobs outside the home (men & WOMEN), they DO have a college degree! And they are NOT on the upper high end of the Conservative scale? Those I’ve spoken to whom voted for Hillary? Are very, VERY young NEW voters to our system, STILL in college, DO NOT have jobs outside the home, they DO NOT EVEN have their own home as they still live with parents, most have NOT paid taxes so they have no idea about that system and how it rapes a hardworking family of much needed income without giving anything in return, most spout off at the mouth opinions they get from social media, the mainstream media, and their social circles of equally uneducated, inexperienced people! And a large portion of their group SLEPT THRU this election! NOT EVEN PARTICIPATING! So, all these angry posts! All these riots in the streets! All these mean spirited, egotistical, narcissistic opinions need to be silenced and all needs to do some serious looking at who you are inside and how your actions or LACK THERE OF, influenced your world you live in today! Republicans over all are educated, middle class, God Loving, America proud, and family motivated individuals! Look it up! It’s true, that’s the Republican profile! Democrats? Are hard working or non working, system participants, lower education with some outliers of educated, liberal thinking, anything goes, non America proud individuals whom usually protest and cry when things do not go their way! 
Ok maybe their demographic is more like this…. Democrats hold the strongest areas on the east and the west coast where Republicans tend to be more concentrated in the south in mid west. Democrats dominate the more populated urban centers of our nation. Where Republicans populate the more rural areas of our population. Democrats have a significant advantage with women as 37% of women are affiliated with the Democratic Party giving them a sizable advantage over the 24% who identify as Republicans. The income of a Democrat decreases with every additional dollar he or she earns as Democrats have a huge advantage with voters earning less than $15,000 per year where as republicans hold an advantage of people earning $50,000 per year and above. Democrat support labor unions and higher numbers than Republicans. Democrats education level are those without a high school diploma and those with post graduate degrees where Republicans gain a majority of support from high school graduates individuals College experience in college graduates. The age of Democrats tends to be slightly younger than Republicans with an average age of 47 compared to 50 for the Republicans. Democrats have a tremendous amount of diversity in their ranks especially when compared with the 87% white Republican party the most loyal block of democratic supporters are African-Americans with women supporting Democrats a staggering 90% of the time and men slightly less. Democrats are increasingly less religious as compared to Republicans. Democrats far more likely support government assistant programs where Republicans tend to give more to charities.

So! BEFORE you continue to look like the spoiled, entitled, lazy, life sucking populous of our community, take a DEEP LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF! And ask yourself, where do you fall in the demographics of politics? Democratic/ Republican??????

I KNOW who I am! What I am! And where I fall! Do you?

We’ve all had best friends! You know that person that you share everything with? That one person that you think that you can trust implicitly with The Good the Bad and the Ugly of who you really are! Until they turn on you!

So what do you do then? Is your response dictated off of the event and actions that they chose to create? Or is it something more organic, natural, crude, or Raw?

Friends are the one entity that we can choose to have in our life! Hence the old saying you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends! So when it comes to the realization that you have chosen poorly and Friends it hurts equally as bad is losing a lover. That pain is made equally worse when that best friend interferes and intrude in your love affair! It deepens the pain when both parties decide to align themselves with one another against you!

Some people respond out of pure emotion. Other people respond from a physical pain derived from the action. Neither response is wrong in my opinion. And here’s why….

If someone you trusted does something against you so this viscerally  wrong,   if the foundation of your response comes from that of Love kindness respect and compassion then any action you doing in response is not necessarily a negative one. It is human to misinterpret. But it is also part of our human genome to be intelligent enough to respect and understand each other’s positions of opinions. This is especially important when you profess to love someone.

So when do you make the choice to destroy intimate relationship? Is it a decision that is made based out of adultery? Out of dishonesty? Or is it just the fundamentals of lack of trust? Trust is the Cornerstone to any relationship. It does not matter if we are talking about parental trust, children, friends, spouses, lovers, you get the point; trust is the Cornerstone!

Without trust it is very easy for any small negative influence to intervene into that relationship and destroy it from the inside out. So when that is done is it both people’s fault? Or only one? That’s where it gets complicated! Each situation is individual meaning it has its own issues and its own DNA there for each relationship is an entity all its own which should not be judged off of all other relationships. That is the mistake our society tends to make today!

We are too busy comparing each other to what was instead of looking at each other towards the future. We should all be allowed to stand on our own and be judged accordingly. Unfortunately that’s just not part of human nature!

I have recently gone through the death of a long-term relationship and I hold no ill-will towards my ex-lover. How could I he was my life for 15 years or more. That does not mean that I do not hold some regret towards his response to our relationship. But make no mistake that is not blame! That is the raw emotion of losing the love of your life!

How many times do you forgive the same thing? If the same event occurs 3-4-5 times do you still forgive? Do you still move on? Do you still remain with your lover? When does hitting your head up against a brick wall turn you into mashed potatoes and you’re done?

Well I believe survival is Paramount in any situation! And if in order to survive a love affair you must leave, then leave you must! No matter how painful! No matter how hard! And no matter the challenges that you will be confronted with  as you move on with your life. It takes a lot for me to move on but even I have to leave when the same event occurs over 8 times or more in the life cycle of the love affair. At some point enough is enough!

That does not make me a quitter! And that does not mean that I give up easily! It does mean that I have a strong sense of survival and no matter how hard and strong I love someone I am strong enough to let them go and move on with my life! I do not allow their opinions of me affect my future. I do not allow the memories and the events of our past love affair intrude on any future I may have. But at the same time deep within my soul that past lover will forever live!

Bottom line is…. it is extremely difficult to accept when someone does not love you in the manner in which you deserve to be loved and they do not accept you in the manner in which the love they professes demands. It is equally as hard to love someone more then they ever loved you and you were so blind to that fact that you ignored every sign that could have saved both of you this immense pain which you both now have to endure. That is not a negative it just is what it is! Either way it is painful but know this we are strong! We are lovable! And we can move on from this!

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