Have you ever kept a diary, a journal, or notes about events happening in your life? I’m sure most of us have. I know I have. I came across one such Journal most recently. It astonishes me how insightful it was even so many years ago.
I was stricken by an entry dating in 2009, now 7 years ago. It is one that speaks of my divorce which at the date of the entry had been over 5 years and it speaks of of the relationship I was in at the time with a man who has sense destroyed my life. I speak this because as I was reading the entry there were so many insights that I should have paid attention to and ignored. Maybe we all do this. Maybe we all take our life and the people in it with justifications and explanations to satisfy our reasons for being in the relationship or staying in the relationship for accepting the relationship or whatever other reasons we have in our head.
I was struck by the entry and it’s prophetic tongue as I read my descriptions of life during that time. Here are my observations of the man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me. He has depression, angry emotions, bordering on unmotivated, and beaten down emotionally. I had even noted that he had just given up though he denied all of these characteristics when stated out loud though I honestly loved him! I will explain more of the entry as follows: ” Honestly I love him. Although, I cannot for the life of me tell you why. We have incredible sex, most sessions, but these internal feelings are much more than that. It is like I know that deep inside his soul he is a kind, gentle, loving man. He just doesn’t show it often! I know we could never live together. We are too different in how we live. Besides, being divorced these past several years; and having to live with my family to be with my daughter, has made me desire to live alone with my daughter. He expects too much of me. He thinks I can just bounce back when I can’t. I cannot say one word to him about his children for fear of an attack on me and my daughter verbally. He will not hear what is really happening until or unless it’s the police that tells him. Which has happened with two of his three children. I stated time and again that time will prove me right and time and again time has always proven me right.”
I find this uncannily prophetic on how my life has played out over the last seven years since that was written. All of my predictions in my journal came true. Not just in regards to my ex-husband but also in regards to this one love relationship I thought I had.
I find it concerning that may be just maybe love really is blind! Meaning it blinds us to the pain that we are enduring while in the honeymoon of blooming love. It blinds us to the torture of remaining in such a love. And it shelters us from seeing the reality of what is to come.
See my take from this is, with older years and more experienced maybe it is not love we should be seeking but mutual respect, understanding, and kindness. For in seeking those attributes to start with you will find someone who not only may love you but will also like you through all of the torturous trials that life throws at us along our journey.
I have learned there is a huge difference between love and liking! You can profess to love someone yet not like them at all. And you can like someone in the same manner and yet not love who they are. They are two separate feelings. They are two separate entities. They stand alone. And seldom do they work in concert with one another.
Think about it for a second. Have you ever come across someone that you like I mean you really like? But you didn’t necessarily love! And Have You Ever Loved Someone sincerely love someone, but didn’t like the essence of who they really were? I know it seems like such contradictory statements! Logic dictates you can’t love something if you don’t like it. But no one ever said that human emotions, the human heart, and the human soul wherever logical.
I fear that the love that I lost was just that! He professed a love of me without ever having so much of a “like” for who I was, am, or could be. I think I loved him more than he loved me. I know I liked him more than he liked me. Which reflected in a much higher level of respect for him than what he exhibited towards me. Which in the end made it easy for him to reject me and never once look back, regret, or miss the “Us” I fought so many years for. I , the woman, fought, begged, pleaded,chased,and, forced our love for years. It wasn’t until now that I finally realized how relieved he must feel knowing I will never be in his life again.
It is that understanding and acceptance that has allowed me to realize this was why he never chased me, apologized to me, or worked to get me back. He never wanted me in the first place!